I’m still here

I wake up in the morning and start to cry once more.
“I can’t believe they’re gone.” I manage to choke out between sobs.
He rolls over and wraps his arms around me.
“I’m still here,” he says.
And I cry harder.

I look at him across the breakfast table, his ever-watchful eyes like a monitor  on my emotions.
“I feel like an orphan,” I say. “I know I’m old enough to be on my own, but I wasn’t ready for them to be gone.”
His clear blue eyes pierce into mine.
“You still have me,” he says.
“I know,” I say and I nod my head, “I do.”

Mark-2013-02-24I stop my typing and look at him sitting at his desk across the room from mine.
“I feel like I don’t have a family anymore.”
“I’m never going to leave you,” he replies.

I face him across a table for two at Easter.
“I feel like a loser sitting in an Italian restaurant on Easter after all the years of Easter egg hunts and family dinners,” I say. “I don’t have a family to celebrate holidays with anymore.”
His blue eyes twinkle with just a slight crinkle in the corners.
“I like spending Easter here with you,” he says.
I smile in return. And I believe him.

16 thoughts on “I’m still here”

  1. Sweet, Christine. Very sweet. And he means it, I am sure!!! Our husbands can really make us understand that we really are not alone but I do understand how the feelings of being an orphan now can be overwhelming. You suffered so much loss in such a short time. Hugs.

      1. It is very difficult at times but you will get there. Take care of yourself and allow yourself those moments. They are important.

  2. What a treasure! In grief, sometimes it’s hard to focus outside the pain. It’s funny you would mention “orphan,” because that is exactly how I felt.

  3. You’re still adjusting. Mark is wise though to remind you that you are still richly blessed even if it isn’t the way you’d like it to be right now. That’s the great thing about marriage – we’re good counterpoints to each other’s moods.


  4. Hi Christine .. thankfully Mark is still there as are your family … time deals that dreaded blow to us all at some stage – yours was a little numbing .. and I feel for you – the way, the timing etc ..

    Enjoy Mark and Spring springing .. Hilary


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